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Open Hands

“When you pray, you profess that you are not God and that you wouldn’t want to be, that you haven’t reached your goal yet, and that you never will reach it in this life, that you must constantly stretch out your hands and wait again for the gift which gives new life. This attitude is difficult because it makes you vulnerable.” Henri J.M. Nouwen, With Open Hands

For our Thursday morning Lectio meditation last week, we read the above quote from Henri J.M. Nouwen. When I first read the passage, I immediately went into editorial mode. “The first sentence is too long,” I thought. “It assumes my goal is to be God. I won’t make it in this lifetime even if I try. And just what is the ‘gift’ I am to wait for that will give me new life if I stretch my hand?”

How many times I have wished I were God—or at least had a direct line to God’s power for just a moment to clean up the mess I see around me. “Okay, God,” I plea, “please, please intervene and take care of [fill in the blank.]”

The last line of Nouwen’s quote is key: “This attitude is difficult because it makes you vulnerable.”Thank you very much, but I am not comfortable being vulnerable. That is risky and I might get hurt. I’ve been taught to be in control, that vulnerability is weakness, and I am not going to be a victim by being vulnerable.

Further reflection leads me to ponder what it is that has triggered such a strong reaction within me. I often pray with hands open, palms up, for God’s guidance and help. In no way do I profess to be God. But sometimes I feel if I can control a situation for a desired outcome that I believe is God’s will for someone else—well, that’s not really playing God, is it?

For a long time, I’ve said I believe life is a prayer. Were I to live this attitude more fully, perhaps I would be more honest about my attempts to play God at times to fix, save, or heal in order to hide my own needs and my own brokenness—things I am quick to point out in others. An attitude of awareness and humility is required to admit my own vulnerability.

Attitude and perspective are critical in how we choose to see the world. I know this. I try to catch myself when I start falling down the rabbit hole of pessimism and judgment. I’m reminded of a morning prayer I posted in my office many years ago:

“Dear Lord, so far, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed. And from then on, I’m going to need a lot more help. Amen.”

Maybe I should print this and put by my bed to look at each morning before my feet hit the floor and I stretch out my hands.

Blessings,
Donna